As my dreams went up in ashes
I saw the fire take with it the hopes I had
My efforts to salvage my life burnt my knuckles
The soot covered every part of my being
When the angels sent me back
I had failed
So there I stood, rejected
Shoulders slumped, defeated
Seeking comfort from His Kingdom
Where I sat, and I Concentrated, and I Listened, for a voice bigger than my own
Until I had the strength to crawled
Then to walk
With a limp
My head raised
Without a voice
When the angels sent me back
They had rejected an act from a lack of faith
So I turned to the very same ashes
Sifted through rubble and the troubles that had led me to fear
And there I was
I have always been stronger than you
Enough to carry you on my shoulders
Hoping that you could reach higher, see further
Enough to cry in silence
Smile in your presence
Enough to forgive your transgressions
Walk towards happiness
I have always had more faith than you
Why do you fall silent when I call for you? When I need you the most? Any other day I feel you in my space even without trying, my Eden. Why not now when I am searching for you? Do you hear me? Are you even there?
These are my questions. Well, these were my questions during what was arguably the most difficult time of my life because no matter how I prayed I just wasn’t receiving my breakthrough.
I was raised Christian; in a church attended by generations before me. It was in my blood to believe in God and lean on him in good times and in bad times. But being sheltered my entire life had taught me nothing about leaning. I didn’t really know what that meant, what it required and how difficult it may be. Faith and trust are easy things to claim when life was good and you are faced with no challenges. For a long time, I couldn’t exactly measure the correlation between my well-being and how much faith I had in something; a higher order than myself. But I had to learn.
It took three years of continuous loss for me to really learn what it means to LEAN on God and TRUST him. Completely. I had to learn how to have faith that even though things weren’t easy, they would come together for my good. I had to learn to submit my will to him, know that he is God and let him lead. All those things that I had lost landed on my lap but I loved them dearly so when they left, no matter the circumstance, I felt wronged, and scared, and alone, and perhaps worst of all, I felt that God himself had turned his back on me. I would never say it but it was a though that crept up, time and time again. If he was there, how were all these things happening? It took a day of introspection to understand that perhaps my plans were not aligned with those He had for me.
Truth be told, I had never asked him for the things in my life so why then did I feel so entitled to them? I had failed to involve him in life at various points and on my OWN strength and will, I had opened doors that would ultimately lead nowhere because I had not allowed Him to lead and open those doors ahead of me.
With many doors closing before me and walls caving in on me, I have come to a firm conclusion that I cannot win this fight on my own. I refuse to lose when I know there is help out there. So I have given myself to him. I stumble and I sometimes fear; I am human after all. My belief, however, is in a power greater then myself. I understand the concept of faith, believing in that which you cannot see. I understand the concept of trusting that no matter the circumstance, the end will be better. I may not understand his ways and probably won’t for the most part but I know that whatever phase I go through, my heavenly father already knows.